I want a tortoise so bad. I’m dying for a frog. Why can’t I have anything I want, whenever I want it? Why is the world set up to satisfy us only rarely? What’s up with that? What if we got what we wanted most of the time, and were surprised on the rare occasions when it didn’t happen? Instead of the other way around. Why is dissatisfaction the default?
If I had a tortoise, I’d treat him right. As much TV as he wanted, and no limit on Klondike Bars.
If I had a frog, I wouldn’t ever compare him to a toad. If he looked a little slimy one day, or extra green and not in a good way, I’d keep these observations to myself, so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. And I’d never, ever lick him, even though that’s what I’d want to do all the time. That’s just not appropriate behavior toward a frog.
Sometimes when I see a tortoise in the woods, I have to stop myself from falling in love. Because I know it will just end in pain, with him saying things he doesn’t really mean, and me doing the same. We’d just be no good for each other, in the end, no matter how hard we try.
My dad used to say to me all the time, Chris, you need to come out of your shell. Talk to a stranger, he’d say. Introduce yourself with a firm handshake and a smile. I hated my dad for that.
When you meet someone new, you have to step out of yourself and see yourself through their eyes. I hate that. I want to use my own eyes 24-7, and screw you if you see something I don’t.
That moment when you’re in the middle of a crowded party and everyone seems to be talking to someone else except you. What a loser, standing there alone, talking to nobody. Unable to move from that loser spot, and absolutely zero interest from any floaters on the edges. Everything collapses and your heart races and next thing you know you’re walking right out the door without your coat. “Talk amongst yourselves!” you shout just before the door slams behind you.
The thing about saying “The thing about X” is that it’s never just one thing, but now you’ve painted yourself into a corner.
The thing about massing for a ground assault on Russia is that . . . See what I mean? There’s like a thousand things to talk about there.
